Boulder & Denver Couples Therapy

Why is it so difficult to stay in a committed relationship?

The divorce rates in America:

41% of all first marriages in America, end up in divorce!

The number rises to 60% when it comes to second marriages.

73% when it comes to third marriages!!!

The highest number of divorces occur in men and women aged between 20-25 years!

A study by Barns Research group reveals that 25% of all the adults have been divorced at least once in their life!

Source:  http://www.divorcerate.org/

Are you struggling in your relationship?  Do you find yourself arguing about the same issues over and over?  Are you experiencing relationship failure and not knowing what else to do to fix it?  Whether you are married or not, are you wondering if this relationship is the right one or whether you need to move on?

When the honeymoon phase ends, we can find ourselves struggling for power, having to make rules, and being bored with one another.  We suddenly find ourselves critical and intolerant of our couple.  And we find ourselves experiencing emotions that are beyond our control and make us feel like we are losing touch with who we know ourselves to be.

You are not alone here; most couples go through these phases and some grow through it; some cannot.

Imagine being able to use all this pressure to strengthen your couple process rather than just see it all as negative? Imagine an ability to grow and mature rather than just blaming the other for ‘making me feel badly’. The psychic pressure that is produced when two people desire to build a relationship is the necessary energy for both to grow into mature people who can weather the difficulties of life together, no matter what comes their way.  This is the potential of the relationship, but mostly there are no models of how to accomplish it in our modern culture. Our culture is all about ‘me’ and this makes it difficult when having to work with others well.

I am doing everything that I can to make this relationship work but my partner has big problems that he cannot admit to.

This may be true; but because we are all blind to our own issues, we end up projecting onto our partner things about ourselves that we haven’t yet been able to face. Because we are instinctual beings at the level of survival, traumas and wounds that are unresolved from our childhoods surface in the intense pressure of sharing a life with another person, in that deep kind of intimacy.  If we can get assistance to begin to recognize these subtle defending mechanisms, we can grow and also grow a relationship that if fulfilling and beneficial to both individuals.

My partner is very critical of me when he is not feeling good about himself.  I can’t put up with it anymore.

If your partner has a problem, and you react to their problem, that is in reality your problem or your reaction. Since no-one is responsible for your reactions, if you react to something that they say or do to you (this does not include physical or emotional violence), that is material for you to look at, and discover what is underneath you losing your composure and energy.  If you didn’t have a problem, you would calmly do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself while they work through their very human dilemma.  All humans have the right to learn from their problems and so to expect someone to be ‘perfect’ is a fantasy in my humble opinion and experience.

I have worked with another couple therapist and they sided with my partner.

The difficulty with couples therapy is that research shows that it does not work well that often.  The monogamous couple process is perhaps the most pressured situation that we can find ourselves in at times because each person has unseen and unmet survival interests that are working behind the scenes to fulfill the lacks that they perceive they experience. When we are triggered, we are in a fight and flight mode, not relaxed and composed. This makes it difficult to trust what we are perceiving.  We are all often very mechanical and automatic during these moments and often believe that we are seeing things ‘clearly; and that our partner is not.

A good rule of thumb is: if I have charge, I am not present to what is actually happening.  I have most likely been hi-jacked into the past or future and am not actually perceiving the situation clearly, objectively.

Case Study:

Paul and Paula (not their real names) come to me via a referral.  She experiences him as angry and needy and he experiences her as not affectionate and unloving. When they are in the room together, from my vantage point, I can see that there are allot of hidden, unspoken expectations that they are projecting on each other. While they talk, they both have inordinate demands that they are making on the other one, demands that are unspoken and unseen by either of them.  These hidden demands cause them to unconsciously act like they both have the right to rule the roost, rather than work at being respectful, compassionate, tolerant, and cooperative.

He keeps demanding, and unpleasantly, to know ‘what they are doing, where they are going’ and she feels that this aggressivity is one of the big problems. After meeting a number of times, I see further that they are both reacting (not in the present), not able to be receptive to the other. He seems to want to mothered by her since she is focusing all her energy on their child now; she is looking for him to be the perfect partner, fitting her idea of how she wants him to behave.

It takes many more sessions to have them both recognize these hidden demands that they are imposing on one another and in this kind of an environment, humans can’t help but rebel, feel controlled, criticized, and not accepted for who they are. This all leads to struggles for power and control and not to harmonious, caring, tolerant behavior with each other.

Slowly as the weeks go on, they are doing better at recognizing their own mechanisms and the attendant suffering that these mechanisms cause them both. Things are beginning to change for the better but not without a strong determination from them both.  Let’s be honest, real learning and growth do not come fast; slowly, slowly.

NEXT STEP?

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I am happy to speak to you by phone or email to hear your concerns or answer questions to see if i can be of service in helping you build a strong and lasting container for you both to benefit from.

303-449-2004 or David@TroubledCouple.com

David Delaney, Psychotherapist & EMDR Trauma Psychotherapy &  NeurOPTIMAL™ Neurofeedback Provider

Office Locations:

3445 Penrose Place, Boulder

7000 East Belleview Ave., suite 350, Greenwood Village/Denver Tech Center